hopes and dreams

Dear Caroline,
I just put you to bed and you're rolling around in your crib, talking and playing with your feet, the bumper pads, your pillow. Some nights you fall asleep quickly, but some nights you entertain yourself for a while before finally drifting off to sleep. Never crying though- bedtime is always a pleasant drift off to dreamland. I can't help but wonder what you dream about. Toys? Walks in the stroller? Winnie? Me? I'm sure they must be happy voyages into baby wonderland though, because you're so delightfully happy when you wake up each morning. My absolute favorite memory of your infancy this past year will always be walking in to your room first thing in the morning, seeing you grinning in your crib. From the very first days of your life, you have always been a happy smiley little ball of joy (and I have the pictures and videos to prove it!) Even though we faced a myriad of health challenges and physical discomforts this past year you sailed through them all with an infectious smile on your face. I will be forever eternally grateful for that sweet little smile that greeted me every morning, despite whatever obstacles lay ahead or behind us. 

I know this past year has been a good example of what lies ahead for us in your life- unknown challenges, unimaginable joy. I've learned that whatever comes our way, we will be able to handle it with the help of your cheerful personality and my persistent love. I have so many hopes and dreams for your life, but it's my job to merely guide you on your path of self-discovery and independence. At each step of our journey I promise to let you take the lead when you show me you're ready. I promise to step back, let go, and watch you flourish with self-confidence....no matter how much I want to hold on to my little baby. (We've been practicing this delicate dance a lot in the last few days, with you insisting on climbing the stairs every time we go up or down. I catch my breath every time you teeter, but then you look back and grin at me and I know the risk is worth the reward, as long as I'm there to catch your fall.)

I can't help but dream of the days that are to come and wonder with great anticipation what lies in store for you. I have such high hopes for my chubby-cheeked baby. Here are just a few.

I hope we survive your childhood without any serious injuries/lacerations/broken bones/ etc that require urgent medical attention. Somehow by the grace of God I survived my own childhood without any serious injuries and I definitely want the same for you! We've already made 2 trips to the ER for your vomiting/dehydration scare this past year, and if we never return to Texas Children's Hospital I will be absolutely delighted. (So will my aching checkbook.)

I hope you excel at something. Anything. Whatever it is you're most passionate about, I want that passion to create unbridled joy and enthusiasm. If it's gymnastics one year and kickboxing the next, or an entire childhood of ballet lessons, I'm 100% on board as long as you're happy and thrilled to be doing it. I promise to be in the audience or in the bleachers every time. (Don't hold it against me if I pull out the smartphone for a little distraction every now and then....)

I hope you always have, now and forever, an unbreakable bond with your daddy. He loves you more than anything on this earth, and nothing brings him more joy than feeling your sweet little hug on his shoulder. Hold on to him always. There's nothing else in the world like being daddy's girl. I missed out on this when I was younger and I always vowed that it would be different for my daughter. I want you to always know and remember how much he loves you (even when he's making you absolutely crazy with his over-protectiveness. I have the feeling he will have an even harder time 'letting go' than I will. So when you're 10 years old and he still wants you sitting in a carseat, just roll your eyes and remember that he just wants to protect you from every single possible harm that could ever come your way. If you're lucky I will be able to talk some sense into him...)

I hope you smile often and laugh loudly. So far in your short little life this has been your greatest attribute and I hope it stays with you for the rest of your life. I'm sure there will be periods of teenage angst and moodiness and I know I'll be clinging to these memories of my sweet smiley baby to get me through those times. On the days when you want nothing to do with me, I'll remember you reaching up for me from your crib. On the days when you're slamming doors and shutting me out of your life, I'll remember you crawling towards me as fast as your little legs could carry you. On the days when you accuse me of ruining your life (oh teenage drama!) I'll remember you calling out 'mama.' I can't promise that those days will be easy for you or for me, but we both will need to remember to smile and laugh anyway. It's the only way through it.

I hope you fall in love, fall out of love, have a lot of crushes, serve up a bit of heartache to the boys, and get dizzy on the merry-go-round that is love. It's exhilarating, terrifying, painfully debilitating, and deliriously intoxicating....and it makes life worth living. There's a line in an old song, 'in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.' You only get what you give. And the only way to get the unparalleled joy that love brings is by giving your heart away. It comes with a great deal of risk but the reward is 1000 times worth it. I know this is true from the love that I've given to you and your dad....it's safe to say my heart now lies outside of my body. It resides within you two. 

I hope you remember every single day how much you are loved by me. Yes, even when I'm punishing you for not cleaning up your room or putting you in timeout for flushing copious amounts of fruit down the toilet and thus rendering the commode inoperable (....oh wait, maybe that was only an Aunt Emily phenomenon.) I hope you remember that everything I have said/done/will do/will say is because I love you to the moon and back. Remember this always. Always always always. Carry it around in a note in your backpack. Put it on a poster in your room. Tatoo it to yourself in a visible-only-to-yourself location. (And quickly discard any boyfriend who makes fun of you for having a 'mom loves you!' tatoo.) Never forget that I am your number one fan, your biggest supporter, your most-obnoxiously-enthusiastic cheering squad. I am here for you no matter what life throws at us.

Well you finally fell asleep in your crib, with your blankie (one of my tshirts) half draped across your face and one foot propped up on the bumper between 2 crib slats. Looks mighty comfy. I'm sure you're having a wonderful time frolicking in la-la land, judging by the peaceful expression on your face. And when you wake in the morning you'll be all grins and cheerful chatter, detailing the places you visited and adventures you embarked upon. But for now, sweet dreams my baby. The world has big plans for you.

Happy first birthday sweet Caroline.

Love,
Mama