wrinkles in time

One of my favorite books from my book-devouring middle school years was the book A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle. I was captivated by the plot's focus on the idea of travel within the space-time continuum. The theory posits that ordinarily time stretches out in a flat line, but occasionally something goes awry within the universe, and what results are small little 'wrinkles in time' where one moment in the past overlaps with one moment in the future. The moments are usually brief, no more than a few minutes at best, but within that wrinkle there is the ability to reach through time and connect two very distinctly-separate events, whether physically or psychologically. Some people liken this phenomenon to 'deja vu', when you get that undeniable feeling that you've been in that very specific situation before, when you know logically that you have not....some would say that is the hallmark characteristic of a 'wrinkle in time.'

I had the strangest sensation of one of these 'wrinkles' tonight as I was putting Caroline to bed. Call it a wrinkle in time, call it a flash-forward (for those Lost fans), but whatever you call it, I had the distinct feeling of being powerfully connected to a moment in the future. I had put on her lullaby music and she was picking out a book to read, as we do every night at bedtime. Nothing unusual at all. But as the music turned to the second round of the chorus of the song, I suddenly had the overpowering feeling of being 40-something years old and haphazardly coming across that old lullaby cd, long forgotten buried in a box somewhere in our house. Turning on the cd player and hearing that sweet melody, unleashing a flood of emotions, a gut-wrenching wistful yearning to hold my sweet little baby again. And the wave of emotion of that accompanied that longing was so real, so tangible, so entirely visceral it stopped me dead in my tracks and took my breath away. Caroline returned to the chair and climbed up in my lap and I could hardly sob my way through The Very Hungry Caterpillar, rubbing her head and smelling her fresh baby-shampooed hair, feeling the weight of her tiny body curled up in my lap. I just knew, down to my very bones, somewhere in the future there was another me who was also sobbing on the bedroom floor, yearning to have just one more moment with that long-gone baby. Somehow the two moments collided in a wrinkle in time, and for a good solid 3 minutes I had the distinct feeling of being graciously allowed to witness this ordinary bedtime through an entirely different set of eyes. Caroline looked up at me and studied my face, trying to understand the tears streaming down my face. She reached her little hand up and touched each cheek, wiping the tears, and it was all I could do to simply keep breathing. So real. So unexplainably real.

But like all wrinkles in time, this one was equally as ephemeral and the moment suddenly passed as quickly as it had descended. I was quickly snapped back to the present when my sweet little cherub demanded to be let into the bathroom and then fell into hysterics when I didn't comply. Time to get back into full Mom duty and deal with the less-glamorous toddler tantrums. But the overpowering sensation of those 3 minutes continued to haunt me for hours afterward. I tried to shake the tears and take away a lesson in gratitude from the encounter, a reminder to live every day, every moment, fully present. It's a challenge when you're caught up in the grind of ordinary life- cleaning up yet another mess, wrestling to get the shoes on, carrying a writhing screaming unhappy toddler up to the bedroom for an overdue nap. But when these moments arrive I will try to remember the wistful longing that inexplicably descended upon me tonight, and how somewhere in the future there's a 40-something who would happily hand over a king's ransom for the chance to carry a toddler again.

I've been forewarned. Lesson duly noted. And just to make sure I have something to look back to when that day in the future arrives, I captured one of our more-pleasant trips up the stairs on video (well more like audio....there's no video because I had to shove the phone in my pocket to hold her hands and help her up the stairs. Turn the volume up on your computer so you can hear.) No kicking or screaming or protesting, instead we were practicing counting. She missed a number or two, but overall not bad for a 19-month-old! This is the sweet little voice I'll want to hear over and over again when I find myself in that moment in the future. But hopefully when that wrinkle arrives and I'm on the other side this time, I'll smile at the memories and the knowledge that I lived each moment fully present. 

the new normal

Just a quick update on the happenings around here. We are settling into our new school/work routine quite nicely, and so far, there haven't been any major mishaps. It helps that I get up 3 hours before I actually have to be at work, to allow enough time for me to eat breakfast/have coffee/check email, get myself dressed, get Caroline up and fed and dressed and packed, fight rush hour traffic, drop her at school, and get myself to work by 9. So far so good with my new job! My coworkers have all been very welcoming. One of the reasons I decided to take this job was because I already knew the girls I'd be working with...I had been friends with them for years, so I knew I would enjoy working with them. 

this sweet little note was waiting to
greet me on my first day!

Of course any new job takes some time to get fully acclimated to before it starts to feel 'normal', and I've had all the usual growing pains...where are the files saved? What are the cad standards? How does this crazy new/different AutoCAD program work? It's frustrating to feel like you're learning to walk all over again, when you're so used to just running right along. And with those frustrations come the memories of how 'easy' it was at my other previous jobs, even though I know those jobs had their frustrating learning periods as well. The big difference this time around though is that I feel much more confident of what I'm doing (even if I'm doing it slowly right now). I can look back at my previous jobs and realize how much I learned in each of them, and how I'm taking those lessons with me as I move forward now. I know I'm exactly where I need to be at this point in my career, and I'm so grateful that God has led me down this path.

Caroline is slowly getting adjusted to her new school setting- the first day was a big fat false alarm. She had me fooled into thinking it was going to be an easy transition...HA! The first day she barely glanced back at me when I left; the second day she boohooed like a banshee. Every day since then the crying theatrics have gotten a slightly little bit better, so I'm hopeful that within the next few weeks she'll finally be comfortable and won't cry when I leave her.

And just a few more funny Caroline tidbits:

• They say LSU gets in your blood, down to your very DNA. Here's proof. Every single morning for the past week or so Caroline has woken up asking to wear her tiger tshirt. I hop out of bed, walk in her room to get her, say 'good morning!' and the first thing she does is point to her dresser and ask 'tiger' (which sounds more like tig-uh). We are running into a bit of a wardrobe crisis though, since we only have 2 tiger tshirts and they tend to get dirty pretty quickly. I'm doing so much laundry I feel like I'm living in a perpetual Tide commercial. We've made a desperate plea to friends and family in LA to please send more LSU tiger tshirts!!

• She loooves playing in my makeup, anything she can get her little hands on. Sometimes I let her sit on the counter and rummage through my makeup drawers while I'm blow drying her hair, and she loves imitating me with the makeup application. Whether it's powder or lipstick or an eyelash curler, she knows just how to use it!

• She's starting to put words together to make short sentences...."more blueberries" "bye bye airplane" etc. But my favorite is when I put her to bed at night. I tuck her in, give her her blankie and bear bear and tshirt, and say 'I love you!' and she says 'I love you too'. The pronunciation is of course a little rough (sounds like 'i woah you too') but the sentiment is definitely there.

• She can count! I can't make her do it on command and catch it on video, but sometimes I overhear her counting to herself and she knows up to 5. I'm sure this it thanks to the 8 bajillion times we've walked up and down the stairs in our house and we've counted on the way up and down. Thank you, my often-cursed-3-story-house, for helping my daughter learn the fundamentals of mathematics!

• Favorite book of the moment: One Bear Lost (a counting book, which also may have helped in her counting skills...) I've read this book so many times I've contemplated hiding it in her sock drawer, never to be seen again.

• We've had a few more successful potty training victories, including one night when she pooped on the big potty. She was taking a bath and stood up and made her grand declaration, so I sat her on the big potty and sure enough, she delivered the goods! I of course was over the top with hugs and kisses and positive reinforcement, so she quickly decided that she quite enjoys using the big girl potty. One caveat: she demands to be entirely naked before she will make herself comfortable on the porcelain throne. This will require some explanations with her teacher at school....

Last but not least, today is Aunty Em's birthday....wish we were there to celebrate with you! Happy Birthday!

first day of school

You know those moments that sneak up on you completely unexpectedly, and all of a sudden you realize in an instant that your life is passing you by in the flash of an eye? I had one of those moments this morning, whizzing along on the interstate to bring Caroline to her first day of school. Out of nowhere it suddenly occurred to me that today officially marks the end of an era....the end of her babyhood, the end of her and I spending all our days together. True, with me going back to work part-time I will still be able to spend plenty of time with her, but nonetheless, this day marks the closing of that chapter of our lives. This week she starts school at Blossom Heights, and next week I start work. Our schedules and routines will be drastically different. She'll be meeting teachers and making new friends, I'll be meeting bosses and coworkers, and we both will be absorbed into new worlds (at least for a few days each week). I know this will be good for both of us, and I'm excited about the new journey about to unfold, but I couldn't help but choke back a few tears as I realized her baby days are officially over. Then I flashed back to the days standing in line at Target with the older moms smiling at my baby and gushing at me 'it goes by so fast!' while I tried to restrain myself from choking them ("goes by so fast?! I am overwhelmed and underslept and you are insisting that this is all sunshine and roses that 'goes by so fast'?!). I smiled as I realized they were right. With time comes wisdom. Now I know better. Even with all the crying and throwing up and medical challenges one after another, it went by in the blink of an eye. 

But enough of the Hallmark-movie sappy mommy gushing. I pulled myself together and we arrived at 8:30 to a parking lot full of gleeful children and teary moms and a dropoff process that can only be called  organized chaos. First we dropped her snacks in the snack bin, then put her lunchsack and backpack in her designated cubby. Signed her in, filled out the 'notes for the teacher' form, and proceeded to wash her hands (an activity she was happy to perform.) 

Then I hosed her down with bug spray and we joined her teachers and classmates out on the playground. I must admit, their outdoor playscape is what sold me on the school. It encompasses all of the outdoor playscape design principles I strive for in my playground projects, and I couldn't think of a better place that I'd want my own child playing in. 

As soon as I walked in the door I spied this on the coffee table.
SOLD! This is one of my favorite books!

Every classroom has an outdoor patio
for art projects, messy play, etc.

Sand pits, climbing boulders, tricycle paths, tons of
trees and plants...I could hardly contain myself.

Playhouse, picnic tables, lots of elements
that encourage cooperative dramatic play.

Awesome gazebo for outdoor lessons and activities.
Fans are a must!!

Tons of fruit trees and vines, all labeled
with information so the teachers can reference
if a child asks.

Of course, the school's credentials and teaching philosophy are also very much in line with my views as well! Eco-friendly/inspiring environmental stewardship (composting, recycling, etc.), nurturing each child's individual abilities as opposed to a rigid structured format, mixed age classes (a great Montessori principle whereby older children help 'teach' younger children), a diverse but well-balanced teaching staff, and a fantastic outdoor environment including turtles, fish, and even a rabbit!

Turtles are her favorite!!

With all these enticing distractions available, it's no wonder she hardly even glanced back at me as soon as we entered the playground. She was off making a beeline for  her favorite feature, the hillslide.

I had to chase her down to tell her goodbye, and tell her I was leaving but would be back later to get her. She whimpered a bit but it only lasted 2 seconds and then she was back to playing on the slide. So I strolled out with confidence knowing she was in good hands. I even ducked inside the building for a few moments and spied on her through the window, waiting to see if the theatrics would start after she realized I was totally gone. But there were none. She immersed herself in her new environment and there was no drawn-out sobbing clinging goodbyes. I was so relieved and proud of my big girl.

With one of her teachers, Ms. Amanda

Making new friends in the sandpit

I was eager to pick her up in the afternoon and see how she'd done. When I walked through the gate I was greeted with a hysterically sobbing Caroline. This is her signature trademark, the 'I'm so happy to see you I simply must sob' maneuver. The teachers said she'd had a pretty good day, and only started crying in the afternoon when other parents arrived for pickup. (She does this at the gym daycare as well. She gets a little parent envy every time someone else's mom comes in to retrieve their child.) She took a one hour nap (on a mat on the floor! no crib!) and ate most of her lunch. Her daily report card said she was 'curious, energetic and playful', and enjoyed coloring and playing in the sandbox.

With another teacher, Ms. Marianna

the Toddler Two's classroom

Having fun with an art project, or as the teacher explained to me,
developing fine motor skills.

The reading center is sure to be a big hit with my little bookworm!

All in all, I'd call the first day a pretty good success. She came home with a few new tricks she picked up from other kids (i.e. throwing things....that's new...) and didn't spend the entire day crying for her mommy. Meanwhile I spent the day running a bunch of errands and taking care of things before work starts next week.  I'm happy we both fared well during this first day of the big transition, but man, next time I blink I'll be dropping her off at college!